The Cycle Stops with Me.

A while back I was working with a behavior from my past, so I thought, that popped up for more attention. Reflecting back, I realized that I had never quite fully integrated the change.

From the job I had in an over stimulating, high-speed manufacturing environment, with flashy lights and alarms going off constantly, to extreme experiences in Plant medicine journeys, my growth lessons had been highly focused on keeping my center no matter what was presented to me.  Spirit had presented me with tons of opportunities to employ and integrate self-regulation techniques, taught to me by the Divine and through physical world studies, to improve my life and in preparation to guide fellow trauma survivors to do the same.

I felt I had pretty much mastered keeping my center in ALL areas of my life, except one, my relationship with my Divine Partner.  Massive improvement had been made in this department and it took a lot to trigger me, but in true conscious relationship fashion, she was the ultimate mirror needed to expose a deeper layer of the onion.  

On a day that we were on a time crunch to finish preparations for weekend retreat we were hosting on our land, stressors were high and we had a disagreement.  With great awareness and utilization of many self-regulation tools, I kept my center damn well, until I didn’t.  Despite all the awareness and tools employed, I eventually lost my center and an angry outburst of unkind words spewed from my mouth.  Another opportunity presented itself through my partner and I failed.

Very much aware of the fact I lost my center and knowing damn well my partner, no matter the behavior exhibited, did not deserve that treatment, I knew there was work to be done.  I didn’t behave from a place of unconditional LOVE.  As soon as I could, I got to my meditation chair and dove in.  I thought back to work I had done in the past over this behavior while healing from past relationships and owning my part in it.  I thought back to the healing work I had done with my daughters, as they too had been on the receiving end of this behavior.  I thought about how I had done so much work around this behavior and I had learned to keep my center in all situations and relations, except with my partner, the one that needs and deserves my centered presence most.  

Why?

So, I took the reflections and went into meditation.  Almost instantly, once in that space, a memory I’d worked with in all previous times working with this behavior came front and center.  I resisted for a second, thinking I’ve worked with this early childhood memory so many times, this can’t be it, but realizing it popped in again for a reason, I took a deep breath and dove in.

There I was, standing over 4 or 5 year old Jeff, as he was witnessing his parents fighting prior to their divorce.  My Dad shouting at my mom and being overly physical but this time was different than previous times I’d visited this Little Jeff.  He wasn’t scared, he wasn’t crying, he didn’t need anything from me.  Instead, I witnessed him eagerly watching, soaking in, like he was learning.  As soon as I witnessed this, I sat with him, got his attention and spoke with him, explaining to him that this behavior is not how we treat our loved ones and Dad was behaving in that way based on experiences he’d had in life.  

I had pondered on that statement and told Little Jeff those exact words before, but I didn’t know where my Father had picked up those behaviors.  The Grandpa I had known was a patient man and I don’t remember him being harsh or yelling at me, my Grandmother, my sisters or anyone, even once.  Because of this, I had always dismissed the thought, but something told me maybe it was possible that my Father had learned that behavior from his Father.  Was this Generational?

As soon as I asked that question, I instantly embodied Little Jeff, and standing in front of me was the child version of my Dad, then behind him my Grandpa, then Great-Grandpa, crescendoing for at least seven or eight generations.  Whew, I was shocked, but it all made sense.  They all turned and looked at me and I said the cycle stops with me.  As soon as I said that, they all smiled and vanished, leaving me back in front of my Dad, yelling at my Mother.  They stopped, looked at me and just vanished.

Some time after this experience in meditation, I had the opportunity to speak with a family member about some family history and sure enough, I got confirmation.

Of course the memory of that day still exists, but it no longer has power over me.  I now find that I have an increased patience with my partner, even when I disagree with her, even when she displays behaviors I am not fond of.  I am able to keep my center and rather than rise up, I simply ask questions and get clarity about what I am perceiving.  

As for the cycle stopping with me, I didn’t have sons, so I did not pass it on to another generation of Powers men.  However, my two beautiful daughters had been on the receiving end of that behavior and they had witnessed me exhibiting it towards their Mother a few times.  I was pretty certain that because of the healing work we have done together, that the behavior would not live on through them, but just to be certain, I revisited the conversation with them, individually, one more time.  Both of them just chucked and reassured me all was well.