Boundaries are LOVE!

Healthy boundaries put in place inside of an intimate relationship are put there to create, foster and maintain a container for the individuals to feel safe, and choose what they are willing to accept.

Boundaries can seem derogatory when inside of an intimate relationship because the word itself implies a negative connotation, much like barrier, blockage, or wall, like it is going to create separation between partners, when in fact, it does the exact opposite.

The difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries within a relationship is that healthy boundaries are mutually beneficial to both individuals AND the relationship, with the intent of individual growth and growth within the relationship.  

During conflict resolution, a conversation with clearly defined boundaries put in place and maintained can keep the container safe, and therefore productive, and both parties can experience what to feels like to completely express their truths, to reach a place of mutual understanding and growth.

On my personal journey and within my intimate relationships, I’ve been okay with creating boundaries, but have done a poor job clearly defining them, so therefore, it was not even possible to maintain them, resulting in many less than ideal circumstances filled with resentment, frustration and even anger.  Only I can choose what I am willing to accept, however without the clear definition of what I am not willing to accept, how can I even hold myself accountable?

Clearly defined boundaries for the purpose of conflict resolution within a relationship look something like this:

-We both agree to listen without reacting, listen without feeling the need to defend and accept what each other has to say as as their individual perceptions and feelings, then choose what we want to do with it afterwards for our own personal growth and healing.

-We both understand and remember that all feelings are valid, for they are simply an expression of a perception and we agree that we will not try to de-validate each other’s feelings.  If one party expresses that they feel that their feelings are not being honored, or are being de-validated, it is a call for a pause and reset.

-It is understood that there is no right or wrong, there is only individual perceptions.  We are not against each other, we are for each other.  We are not each other’s enemy.  The purpose of this conversation is to resolve the conflict, and full expression of each other’s truths, without interjection, leads to understanding of each other’s perceptions.

-We both agree to honor the other individual if an elevated tone, body language, or a level of reactiveness or defensiveness is detected and highlighted, to pause, reset and try again.

-We both agree to use language to express ourselves that reminds the other individual that it is simply an expression of our feelings, not blame or finger-pointing.  Language such as: “When you did ______, it made me feel like ______” or an outright reminder like “As I express what I am about to express, I want to remind you that this is simply an expression of my feelings and how I perceived the event happening, not blaming you for anything, simply expressing how I felt from my perception.”

-We both agree to honor the other individual if they say they need to pause and recenter, in that moment when they verbalize it, even if it means a quick note needs to be made to resume the conversation where it left off.  Allow whatever they need to do to do so, whether it be to walk away, be by themselves for a moment or simply do some grounding breaths in place, so long as it is made known that they will return to the conversation as soon as they feel recentered and ready.

-We both agree that if the boundaries prove to be unable to be maintained during this conversation, we will stop, take some time to individually process, self-reflect and revisit the conversation later when both parties are ready.

Without healthy boundaries put in place and maintained, conflict resolution has the potential to spiral out of control into a chaotic circus of blame and finger pointing, both parties leaving the conversation feeling un-heard, un-seen and repressing the emotions and feelings that will continue to be compounded, turning what most likely started as a simple mis-understanding or mis-communication into something much larger.

 Clear, conscious, productive conversation begins with boundaries.

Do it for you, do it for your partner, do it for each other and mutually decide what you are willing to accept and put boundaries in place as safeguards, not blockages.